bed of roses

its been a long hiatus
its been way to many years having fun
while i've been away i've written quite a few songs
i've realized a lot of things about life in general
and its tough
its about confessing how i really feel
i don't really understand many things in this life
but one of them i can surely say is you
dont stop the world with what you cant understand
dont try to stand alone because we both know you can
its was never about trying to find yourself
its always been about trying to forget me
im sitting here
wasting away
trying hard
not to remember
this morning i don't know
and i dream again but its not the same
with my hands open
i remember our french kiss good morning
i remember the music id hear
While we're talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
all those things i long to believe about love
the truth
you hid from me the truth
baby
i want to lay down in a bed of roses
tonight i sleep on a bed of pain
i wanna lay you down on a bed of roses
i'm so far away
Well I'm so far away the steps that I take on my way home
id give each night to see you preform again
i run out of time and its hard to get through to a girl on the run
i just close my eyes
and i dream like you do but somehow when were not together its just not the same
so come dream away i know that's
cause baby our love its true
and i want to lay down on a bed of roses
i want to lay you down
on a bed of roses
while people stand in the way
while people try to win
i just laugh real hard because they don't have something i got
and that's your heart
now you close your eyes
know i've been thinking about you
standing in that spot light again
i wont be alone and i know that don't mean i'm not lonely
ive got nothing to prove because its you that id die to defend
tonight i sleep with your heart at hand
i want to be just as close
the world it sleeps
I wanna be just as close as your Holy Ghost is
And lay you down
i want to lay you down on a bed of roses
so come on and travel with me
i want to lay you down on a bed of roses
so come lay with me

pull it out of the stone

I'm waiting to think of something to write.
I'm looking at this ring wondering what it means now
I can't seem to get it off my middle finger.
I had a whole speech about this ring
I was proud to wear this ring what it represented what it made me think about or who actually. It almost makes me wonder at times if it will ever just come off on its own
I've given up on trying to take it off
I've tried it all
Soap, oil, I've even contemplated cutting of my finger I won't get that extreme I mean the ring itself isn't that bad a silver color or maybe white gold. Its suits me in a way no other ring ever has it fits perfectly in my finger too perfectly at times.... someone made a comparison not to long ago about me and this ring I told them the problem how it wouldn't come off and they said "maybe its like the king arther story" where everyone tries to pull the sword off the stone but only the little boy is able too. It made me think and I asked her to take the ring off my finger it wouldn't budge then I asked many people to try and it also wouldn't budge today I tried again to take it off it sled a little at first I thought it was finally coming off but then just like that it was stuck I don't know who will pull this ring off my finger or if its even suppose to come off but for now ill just keep wearing the ring as if I had a choice don't get me wrong I'm inlove with the ring but and yea there's a but
Actually there is no butt
I guess the ring is here to stay so when you see me walking slowly down the street since I've been walking slower as of late take a second look at my hand the ring I carry still proud still holding true to the promise I made

help me close my eyes

I opened my eyes
I can't close them anymore
To be able to close my eyes again
Would be the only thing I ask
Not because I now see the world
In a way I don't pray anyone will ever see it
The world isn't ready for my words
The world isn't ready for my ideas
The world isn't ready for my perception
Please
Lord
let me close my eyes again
I don't want to keep them closed
I just want to be able to dream again
With my eyes closed if only for a couple
Of seconds at a days end
I want to close my eyes as the sun sets
Just so I can open my eyes as the moon rises
I want to dream for more than a second at a time but if I only get a second I won't take it for granted I never did
Lord
I'm no longer lost
I've had an angel save me
She took my hand and the song remained the same
Just lord
Don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
Please don't let me fall
South of heaven

hear i am lord, a LEGEND TONIGHT

its sometimes funny
when i think about the music over the years
all everyone has done is repeat or steal the originality of few
the immortals never stole they never lied they never cared for being praised
you see the immortals don't care for the approval of anyone
fuck to tell you the truth the immortals don't give a fuck not anymore
you can pretend to be one of us
you can pretend not to care
but all your doing is making yourself look bad
at least to us the immortals
we don't try
we don't need to post anything new
we don't need to keep the world updated
all we need is a place to tell our story
that's what i've chosen to do
you see 'ive got to hand it to me

looks like its me and you again tonight

here i am lord
here i am standing on my own two feet
the man i've always been
the man with strength
and the man with heart
the man that has never given up
the man that isn't perfect
but is honest
you know lord
i heard sometime ago
that people try to run from men like me
they run to the dishonest
because at least the dishonest will always be dishonest
its the honest ones you have to watch out for
its funny now that i think about it
all i've done has made me the man i am today
an equal part of a society that isn't perfect but is good enough for me to enjoy the splendors of life
i'm not in a bubble
i dont need to run around and pretend to be
something because ive always been me
and that isnt going to change
love is something that i treasure
love is something that i feel
love is something that i welcome
but not something i give often
or at all
i wont be pushed away from this not anymore
because today as sun sets and the moon rises
i walk
i walk into the fight of my life
but i dont walk scared
i dont walk with uncertainty
ive already won this fight
my hands they tell a story
they are the ones that hold you dear
they flow threw your body
almost perfectly in form
there the only ones that can hold you the way youve wanted to
they sway with your body in a motion that only gods can know off
they touch you everywhere and you love it
they're soft and there powerful
their strength keeps you safe
and the feel keeps you soft
they fit perfectly
unlike any other
just like in a cold night when the draft
fills you with shivers
youll turn to the right of your bed
looking for these hands these arms you call home
this heart you call yours
this love you walk all over
you push it away but you dont forget it
you cant its the real deal
just when you think its fading
just when you think its gone
i whisper in your ear
its a secret
only you can know about
my weapon is the instrument of love
my enemy is nothing but a waste of space
my love it consumes me
my anger never shown
for a man a well respected man is what ive always been known
to be
i hold my head up high
not because im any better
but because i know im right
i never lied even though i could have
i never cheated even though i could have
and i never ever ever questioned my love
because somethings you just know
and somethings your scared of
im not scared of anything


because im a LEGEND TONIGHT

paragraph 7 1997 prt 2/ I'm a dreamer

The second part of this year is the part I hate the most
Its the part that won't ever ever make me feel like I can trust anything or anyone anymore. I don't take kindly to people that hurt me especially if they do it twice
You know
They say becareful with who you trust
I made that mistake once but not anymore.
It was the first time I felt defeated
I was 7 years old and in trouble not with my parents but in school. I wasn't the trouble maker at school but for that day I was the most wanted child on campus not the best thing if your 7.
I had gotten in my first fight his name was manuel abad I had to take him down he was bigger than me
But not stronger. I remember closing my eyes for 2 seconds and when I opened my eyes again he was on the floor crying I didn't do anything I just walked away. The next thing I remember is being in the office
The principle asked me why I did it
I lied and said I saw it on tv
It wasn't true but that's probably what she wanted to hear it would make her job even easier
She said to me "what number do I call to reach your parents" I didn't know and she believed me sometimes she looked at me as though she felt sorry for me
I don't like peoples pitty.
After my moms meeting with the principle she said "your grandmother is picking you up goodbye"
I hated that word goodbye
I remember saying that there would be no more goodbyes
But I found out today that its what peter pan who said you don't say goodbye because goodbye leads to growing up and when you grow up you stop being a child
I'm glad you taught me how to smile
I'm glad you opened my eyes
I was in a bubble of my own
I was in a bubble of hate and anger
But all that is gone now
I don't hate someone because they aren't worth my feeling
I don't have any anger because when I feel I might Ill think of you
You taught me how to speak little mime
Its funny at times to think about how close minded I had been even if I'm just a child I'm a child with dreams and not everyone can dream
I'm going to learn how to ride a bike its going to be a blue bike because blue is the color of a dreamer and I'm a dreamer

goodmorning yellow sweater

Goodmorning sunshine
As I wake up in this beautiful day
Its beautiful to see her in the yellow sweater still asleep I kiss her check and I say goodmorning beautiful
She says to me as she opens her eyes how she was just dreaming about how badly she wanted to wake up to kiss my lips once more
She plays with my hair as our lips meet again
There's all sorts of things going in the room around us but its not strange not at all
Its a beautiful feeling knowing the world is turning but not caring because your to busy in the place where you should be
The place where she should be
The place she calls home
The place she feels like not even if the world tried to eat her alive it would be able too because I would be right there to protect her
That place being my arms
As she wakes up she sees I'm not holding her and she says to me "I'm cold"
And I just look at her as I stop the world
And say to her
You don't have to dream anymore because There's nothing you and I won't do

paragraph 6 /1997 the year was heaven

The doubt that I saw in his face was unlike any I'd seen before. He was angry that night I could tell as I heard him yelling 2 rooms away. I don't remember being scared but mad at him for the things he had said moments before, I remember hating him more and more as I thought about what he said to me what he asked what he shouted. I was seven years old the first day I was able to stay at my parents house for the first time in almost 2 years. It was a beautiful place it was the perfect size for a family of 3 except there were four of us when counting me. I didn't know them I didn't understand there habbits and I didn't want to understand them. I guess I've always been that way
Maybe its a bad thing maybe its just a natural thing with me I can recall other times I've felt this way in my life time. I walked to a room they said was mine but I had never been there before it was decorated for someone that was 5 and still a boy I was 7 and becoming a man I stood on my own two feet and for two years had survived without them why would they care for me now why would they pretend to love me when I could tell they were distant all they did was pretend. I remember when I walked into my sister room her room was a typical girls room full of stuffed animals and such I didn't understand why it was she could be with them and not me I guess I actually did understand the only thing that made me upset was that they didn't know me not anymore. When my mom said hello to me I could hear the hesitation in her words she asked me if I wanted something to drink I asked for a soda she gave me orange juice, since that day I've hated orange juice. My dad wasn't home at the time but there was one thing in my room that caught my eye it was a blue bicycle I got excited and felt maybe when he got home he would finish teaching me I got so excited that I started blasting the ramones for about 4 minuteds before my mom told me to turn the music off I asked why not to be rude but because she never had a problem with me listening to music before but then again that was before she got sick. Sometimes I've felt that maybe they just didn't like me or that most of there problems were because of me maybe my dad didn't want o be there maybe my mom felt sorry for herself ever night before she would go to sleep she would look in the mirror and stare back at me and smile I was waiting for her to smile that afternoon and she didn't. She didn't really have many emotions it was around 7 pm that night and my dad was getting home from work, I waited in the front of the steps to ask him if he could teach me how to ride a bike he said "maybe tmrw we have all the time in the world you know" I didn't believe him when he said that I felt that he was lieing and I was right. I've learned that I can only trust few people in this world and it almost makes me sad that my own father isn't one of them. That night I was watching toy story room in my room when I heard a noise it was coming from the kitchen my mom and dad were yelling really load as I walked closer to them I could hear there voices screeching like a magnificent crow lerking its pray I wanted to stop myself from going into the room
Something told me something was wrong
I had that feeling for the first time that night they had been fighting for some obscene reason and I didn't understand them I didn't know them so I decided to ask what was wrong my dad looked at me and said "I bet he's part of the lie to he probably isn't even mine" I looked at him right in the eye as he said that to me all the attention I wanted from them for so long I finally had it my center spotlight you could say but for all the wrong reasons they didn't want me with them they had lied to me and it wasn't what he said that made me so mad it was the fact that they lied about wanting me. My grandmother told me that day in the morning before I left her house she said everything was going to be okay she said I could trust her but then at that point when I was standing there in the kitchen not knowing what to think all my brain would replay was that my grandmother had let me down she asked me to trust her and I did and it was all a lie. I felt like nobody wanted me arround it made me so mad that my dad would question if I was his I didn't hate him for it but I wouldn't allow him to insult my mother in that way I lost all respect for him that night he said some of the most hateful words but that's not what made me upset come to think of it I don't know that I'm upset with him I didn't know him and maybe it was the fact that I hadn't been with them in so long they forgot who I was or why I was there. I remember his eyes after he said what he had said he was teary eyed ashamed he knew what he had done was wrong he hate hurt a person he claimed to have loved at least once before in his life I feel indifferent towards him now I remember that days after I tried to have a conversation with him I asked him why he thought I wasn't his son all he would do is change the subject he was scared because he knew he was wrong deep down inside he had made a terrible choice in saying what he said I knew he wanted to take it back I knew he wanted to ask me for forgiveness at first I was mad but now I'm just dissapointed because he lost my trust in him that day and he won't ever fully have it back. I could never trust a liar and I won't ever have too I choice to surround myself with people who are geniune. I've always been able to spot a liar well all except for one, the one person who's Disappointed me the most in this world. In the end it was only the beginning of 1997 and as I walked away from the kitchen that night I decided I didn't want to be where I was. The next morning I went back to my grandmas house and when i got there she said she was sorry she didn't want to hurt me she just wanted me to see if I could be with the people she thought would be better for me
All I said to her that morning and that entire day was that I was sorry for being a burden but that I wouldn't apologize for being who I was. She smiled at me and said "it'll take time but trust me hebert they'll realize that nobody could ever fill the void you leave behind, you aren't like most people, the truth is that no one will ever love more than you and one day someone will make you smile and that happiness you bring to me is what you'll bring to that person. You know out of all my children, grandchildren and out of all the people I met in my entire life ..well honey your the one I think about the most your my favorite person your kind of wonderful that's what you are" for the most part my grandmother was probably speaking from the bottom of her heart I now know the last line is from a song but nevertheless she was probably right about most things she's one of those people that usually is.......

I want to dance with you if you'd like me 2

I've had 3 hours of sleep.
But the 21+ hours I've been awake have been real nice to say the least.
The sirens of the city ring but I'm not listening I'm to busy dreaming of that hill she talks about.
The sound it rings once and twice
But the dream is strong and will move along
The sound of silence has been removed
And all you hear are the lonely blues
For music is one of the few things I know to love
And I remember once an angel said to me
That I had the most passionate hands that have been seen. My hands fit so perectly with those of angels and no matter what my fit won't change.
Walked her to the station
Kissed her in a dream.
Remind her that she's missed
And paint a picture of the hill that beautiful hill
Teach me how to ride a bike I really want to learn. I don't want to sound selfish or like its about me but all ill ever ask is for you to keep the promise you made for me.
If you want to find me ill be having a beautiful adventure so close your eyes and dream of me I'm right here with you no matter what
So
Catch my kiss <3
And remember that I want to dance with you if you want me too oh oh oh only with you mhm

paragraph 5 /back in 96'

1996.
The summer in the city is like no other in a city with no hope like the one im in. It had been a year since I first felt my mothers cold shoulder and my fathers last words. I was still with my grandmother and she still talked about love almost everyday sometimes we'd listen to music together
She called me her "special dancing man" because I would be her dance partner she was a very gracefull woman with a heart of gold and a smile that made vegas light fall in shame. My summer days in 96' were happy ones to say the least. I met a great group of friends that year. They were all characters I was the misfit like in most childhood movies, nelson was the chubby "strong" guy that had all the jokes and the person who expanded my vocabulary in a not so possitive way, carlos was always willing to fight the biggiest meanest people because he was so small and determained to prove people wrong, frank was one of carlos's brothers, he was calm and I guess if there was a brain in the group It would most likely be him, jr. Was the worst he would always try to bring everyone down and he was annoying and somewhat of a trouble maker, and juan I guess he was the leader he was older than most of us and he taught me the ropes showed me how to light a fire cracker and how jump a 10 foot fence which I always thought would be impossible. We didn't have a diamond field of dreams all we had was a parking lot and a church that to this day I cross paths with at least once in a while. These are the kind of people worth mentioning in a life time of passing faces these are the ones that stay with me timeless just the actions that change us. The summer is something I can't really explain in detail because its the fall that really want to talk about. I was starting the second grade somewhat nervous because I didn't have any of my friends in my class and the teacher was late. I remember sitting front and center because I've always had this possitive attitude when starting a new adventure and the second grade was going to be a great adventure for me I felt it in my heart. Then she walked in with her beautiful black hair I know I didn't want characters in this writing but she couldn't be anything but a character she was strong and confident but shy at the same time her name was Ms. Garvey. She was my first real crush its funny actually she was the person that got me into nirvana I would listen to nirvana and joy division with her as we had lunch together she would invite me to have lunch with her because she said she enjoyed my company she liked that I was different and knew a little bit about the stoogies and the dolls and she said it was a good thing that I'd rather listen to pink floyd videos than watch saturday morning cartoons. I still remember the day I told her I liked her
She gave me a kiss on the cheek and said when your older there will be a lucky girl walking down the street with you and ill walk passed you and ill tell her that you liked me first she said I was worth so much more than any ordinary person because ordinary people are boring and extrordinary people dress up like mimes and make me smile and fall hard but in a good way. Maybe 1996 wasn't as hard of a year to write about as I thought it would be you know I mentioned wanting to write about the fall soo much but now I just want to write about her because still today I feel that sometimes the world isn't ready for my point of view
But you might be<3
Just let me know what you would do if I sang out of tone
And I promise you I will but even if its the worst voice you've ever heard its one of truth and joy.
Many things happen in a day sometimes you enjoy a conversation with a beautiful person that you've made smile at least for a second and you feel infinite again you feel as if the world has meaning. It seems I had this feeling just a couple of seconds ago thank you baby for making me smile at least for second I feel warm again.

Don't be a stranger to the world for the world can be nice but the lies the world surrounds itself with are not healthy and 1996 is a year of joy
In the words of someone who's in a little box next to my heart sometimes being speechless is a form of love
Sometimes meaning now
So smile for the moon is still here tonight
And so are the two little mimes

you don't have a smile anymore

And your eyes they're so sad and even if everyone sees beauty I see the truth
You can't have the rock without the roll